Title: A Treatise on Fairy Tales, Reworked. AKA, The Evil Demon Fox vs. The Knight in Shining Argyle, Round One.
Rating: For this part? PG-13.
Genre: Romance/Humor
Pairing: SasuNaruSasu
Dedication: To fish_for_ashes, of course! I adore you, my dear, and you deserve so much better than whatever meager offering I can give you at the moment! Please be well, and much, much love!
Summary: Of villains and virgins and getting tied to a tree.


***


Once upon a time, when the sun still smiled and the stars dropped dust, there existed in a great, vast forest an enchanted village called Konohagakure. It was a happy place, where children role-played ninjas and adults smiled and waved at each other in the streets as they went about their busy, merry lives. Led by their esteemed Hokage, the denizens of Konoha lived in peace and harmony, and wanted for nothing.

But even in the happiest of places, secrets abound. And one of these secrets was about to turn around and bite them in the ass...


The next day, the school was found flooded, and atop its flag pole, an orange flag hung, sinisterly waving in the turbulent breeze:

UZUMAKI NARUTO WUZ HERE.

AND WTF WAS WITH THE BLONDE?

Once more, the citizens of Konoha fell into terror. Had the monster not appreciated Ino's beauty? Was she not his type? Had her virtue been impugned beforehand unbeknownst to her family, and the demon, upon discovering the breach in her chastity, then ripped her to shreds in rage?

It was a sad time for Konoha, but they resolved to try again: this time, with a brunette. The demon Uzumaki Naruto had mentioned Ino's hair color; perhaps he hadn't found pleasure in her golden tresses, and preferred something more down-to-earth.

The next day found the great wall bespattered with pornography and coarse language the like of which they'd never seen before, and above it, two sentences: TRY HARDER. P.S. TEN TEN SAYS 'SO LONG.'

The people began to grow steadily more frantic, and began sending girls into the forest by the load. Surely one of them would be able to please the demon fox? Surely one of them would be able to save their village!

But none ever returned, and messages more threatening and vile followed each failed gift. Desperate, they prayed for a sign, a signal, a savior: anything to deliver them from this unfortunate misery.

It came in the form of a huge banner nailed across the face of their mountain, written in what everybody realized to be the blood of their daughters. It was bold, brass, written in the demon's trademark script, and read like this:

GOD FUCKING DAMMIT, WOULD YOU STOP SENDING WOMEN ALREADY??

For what must have been a good hour, everyone in the village stared at this sign, dazed, confused, and the beginnings of a foolproof plan forming in their collective brain. And then, as one, all eyes turned to stare at a single figure, sitting on a bench and sharpening a pack of kunai.

Sasuke looked up and blinked at the sudden attention.

"What?"

***

Background information:

Sasuke was the village beauty.

Wait. Scratch that.

Sasuke was the village whore.

That's wrong, too.

Sasuke was a regular guy whose family had kicked the bucket a few years back, and who'd been blessed with good looks and the most infuriating personality this side of Sanq. He was arrogant and rude and wouldn't know 'good will' if it kicked him in the face at three hundred kilometers an hour.

Naturally, all the girls loved him.

The boys? Not so much.

Which was why no one really felt very upset when they realized that - seeing as how the great Uzumaki Naruto was apparently homosexual, and seeing as how Sasuke, bitchy personality aside, was pretty good looking - Uchiha Sasuke, heir to what had once been a mighty dynasty, would make the perfect sacrifice. The eligible females might have protested, but their population had been pretty much depleted by now.

And so, in the dead of night, they trussed a protesting Sasuke up like a sack of potatoes and tied him to a tree to await his fate at the hands of the mountain spirit.

And he waited.

And waited.

And waited.

This is where we join our reluctant hero, the savior of Konoha: as he waits tied to a tree, mentally cursing the male species and vowing to set all of Konoha on fire as soon as he found a way to free himself.

***

"I'm going to set all of Konoha on fire as soon as I've found away to free myself," Sasuke muttered, straining against the ropes that bound him. He scratched viciously at the restraints.

He'd been deposited maybe five hundred meters inside the dark forest - five hundred meters being the farthest the sissies from the village were willing to go before they turned tail and ran back to the comfort of their king-sized beds - with the whispers of the villagers still ringing in his ears: try your best, Sasuke. Be strong, Sasuke. Close your eyes and think of England, Sasuke.

Oh, death was too good for them.

To tell the truth, maybe he should have suspected this. After all, everyone had been shooting him looks all through the day, and the men had been whispering behind his back. But hey, everyone did that. The girls, anyway. Truth be told, he'd actually been wondering if, now that all the pretty women had been sent off to their doom at the hands of that idiot Uzumaki, the guys weren't thinking of turning to him. He'd been sharpening his kunai in preparation for weeks.

But now everyone seemed to have it in their heads that the demon fox was homosexual, and was probably pining for a bit of manflesh to keep him warm at night. Idly, he wondered if maybe he shouldn't have tried harder to cultivate his friendship with the men of the city. Maybe then he wouldn't be here, in the middle of the night, tied to a huge oak tree and awaiting his almost certain death at the claws of some stupid demon. Bah.

Well, he wasn't scared. Pissed, maybe. Oh yeah, he was fucking pissed, but he refused to become fodder for some ogre. Moreover, he refused to become a bedwarmer for some ogre. He was going to get out of this, so help him God, and then he was going to burn Konoha to the ground.

So lost was he in his musings that he didn't notice the first crack of twigs breaking until a round, scarred face appeared before him. Sasuke stiffened, and bit down on the surprised shout welling up in his throat. He tossed his head back to stare down at the boy who'd so suddenly sprung up. The kid was gazing up at him curiously, scratching a hand through messy blond hair. Sasuke glowered. "Who are you?"

The stranger frowned slightly, and ignored him. "Why're you tied up?" he asked curiously. "Are you from the village?"

Sasuke narrowed his eyes. "Release me first. Then I'll tell you."

The other boy blinked at him. "But what if I don't want to release you? Maybe you're tied up for a reason. Maybe you're secretly some monster who was chained to this tree by a Shinto priest, and the moment I let you go you'll bite my head off and go after Konoha."

There was a pause. Then Sasuke's eyes narrowed further. "Stop being an idiot. I'm tied to a tree. In the middle of the night, in a dark forest. Any normal person would have fallen over themselves to free me."

The boy flinched, then pointed an angry finger at his face. "Oi! You're being rude! You don't call your savior an idiot! And abnormal! What the hell's wrong with you?"

"Listen, dobe," Sasuke hissed, pulling at his restraints. "I'll say it slowly, just in case your feeble little mind can't properly comprehend." He bared his teeth. "I. Am tied. To a tree. It's the middle of the night. And I'm tied to a tree. In the forest. To a tree. If you want politeness, go look for it someplace else. Like, I don't know. Maybe in someone who's not tied to a tree."

The kid's jaw dropped in something like shock, and then his face went red. "That's it!" he shouted. "I'm leaving your sorry ass here! Look for help somewhere else." He turned dramatically on his heel. "I hope a bear eats you!"

And with that, he began walking away.

Sasuke spent about five seconds wondering whether or not he should call the idiot back and apologize. Surely the loss of a little dignity would be a small price to pay in exchange for being released from this place. The equation was simple really: dignity < the desire to destroy his poor, traitorous excuse for a village.

He'd just opened his mouth to yell out a reluctant sorry when a rock came flying from out of nowhere and nailed the kid in the head.

Sasuke blinked.

A young woman hopped down from the trees above and immediately began stalking towards the blue-eyed idiot, who had blanched and started crabwalking backwards the minute he'd seen her. "Oh, no you don't," she shouted, and reached out to bury a gloved hand in his hair.  She yanked him to his feet, ignoring his indignant yelps.

"Moron!" she cried.  "I cannot believe you were going to leave the poor boy trussed up to a tree! Have you no honor? Have you no sense of human worth!"

It must here be noted that each italicized word was followed with a vicious swat to the head, which too was followed by a pained yip. The boy hunched over himself, frantically batting her hands away. "Stop it! He was being rude! He called me an idiot!"

"You are an idiot!" the girl roared, and released him with a furious groan. She buried her head in a hand, and took a deep breath. Then she turned around, the scowl gone, to be replaced by the sweetest smile Sasuke had ever seen. The expression did not suit her.

"I'm sorry," she began. "You'll have to forgive him. He's got a good heart, really, but he's a bit..." She trailed off, staring at the tied-up boy. And then she gasped.

"Sasuke?"

Sasuke furrowed his brow.  A second later, his eyes widened in comprehension. "Sakura?"

"Sasuke!" Sakura shrieked happily.

Sasuke frowned. "I thought you were dead. The village elders sacrificed you."

Sakura smiled brightly. "Oh, don't worry about me," she grinned, waving a hand in the air. "I've been okay! We've all been, actually - me and Ten Ten and Hinata and Ino-pig and-"

She was interrupted by a mumble. Sasuke raised an eyebrow at the boy still sitting sprawled on the ground, picking at the pebbles and leaves littering around and glowering at nothing in particular.

"Well, just forget all about me," the kid muttered, poking at the forest floor dejectedly. "I'm only the great Uzumaki Naruto, rescuer of damsels and sissy prissy girly boys. No need to pay attention to me."

There was silence. And then Sasuke turned to Sakura, and aimed a tied hand as far as it could go to point at the pouting blond on the floor.

"That's Uzumaki Naruto?"


...to be continued...